*sigh*

Expected outcomes
   never make
     for softer
        realities

Lunch with Gamma

Scene:  Exterior, backyard deck of a large family home.  The deck is furnished with a long picnic table with two benches that can seat six comfortably on each side.  A bar with two bar stools sits in one corner; it is adorned with blenders full of different frozen summer cocktails and surrounded by bottles of different wines and spirits.  In the adjacent corner sits a barbeque grill.  Off to the side, splashing and laughter can be faintly heard.

Time:  Sunday afternoon, late/Spring early/Summer


Four people are seated at the table.

On one side is Esther, an older woman in her late seventies.  She is wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt and is drinking a frozen margarita from a too-large glass.  She is seated in-between Macy and Jonna, fraternal twin sisters and the granddaughters to Esther.  Both girls are 26 years old and are  drinking smaller versions of Esther’s glass.  They are clearly entertained by the amusements of their grandmother.

On the other side of the bench is Anne, the mother of Macy and Jonna and daughter of Esther.  She is a woman in her early fifties.  She looks upset and uncomfortable at the casual affair going on outside. 

Jerry is standing at the bar.  He is a 28/29 year old man, and the older brother to Macy and Jonna.  He is dressed much younger than his years, wearing cargo shorts, a backwards baseball cap and a t-shirt featuring Super Mario Brothers from Nintendo


MACY:  Gamma!  You need to slow down!
JONNA:  You are on your third margarita and it’s not even 4pm yet!
MACY:  Not to mention that your “glass” looks more like a pitcher!
(Jonna and Macy laugh)
ESTHER:  Life is for the living, girls!  I’ve spent 50 years raising my children and their children.  I am now in the summers of me!
MACY:  Cheers to that!
JONNA:  Cheers!  (Jonna, Macy and Esther all klink glasses)
MACY:  Gamma, Jonna and I want to know when you are going to come clubbing with us again?
JONNA:  Yeah, Gamma!  It was so much fun!  All of our friends LOVE you, and you certainly have a way of getting cute boys to come over to our table to dance with us!
MACY:  Hells yeah, you do!
GAMMA:  Well, ladies, you tell your friends that if they are buying, then I’m there!
JERRY:  (approaching the table, carrying a large pitcher of freshly made margaritas) Alright, ladies… who has a glass that needs freshening up?
MACY AND JONNA:  Meeee!  (both girls waive their glasses in the air and giggle at having answered at the same time)
ESTHER:  You fill up your Gamma’s glass first, G-man.  Sorry girls - age before beauty!
GERRY:  Of course, Gamma.  I know the rules.
ESTHER:  Damn straight you do.  That’s caused I raised you kids right while your momma worked, taught you how to respect your elders…
MACY:  And how to drink…
JONNA:  And how to curse out a priest after mass!
GERRY:  (taking a seat next to Anne) And you did a great job at that, Gamma.
(Macy, Jonna and Gerry all start laughing)
ESTHER:  Oh shush, you three.  I only did that once…
MACY JONNA GERRY:  (at the same time) A week!  (all three start laughing again, with Esther joining in)
ANNE:  You know what you need to do now, don’t you?  You need to teach that daughter of his those same manners, and get her to stop being so Gosh-damn shy and whiney!
GERRY:  Come on, Mom.  That’s not fair.
ANNE:  Hmph.  Every time I see her, all she does is hide her face and cry. 
GERRY:  She’s just a baby…
ANNE:  She’s not a baby anymore
GERRY:  She’s only two!
ANNE:  Two is old enough to know better!  Two is old enough to stop hiding from her Grandma every time I come over or try to hold her or say hi.  Its enough now, Gerry.  And you’re pissing me off because you aren’t doing anything to stop it!
MACY:  Mom, you aren’t being fair.  She’s only two.  Lots of two year olds are shy around people
ANNE:  I’m not people, Macy.  I’m her grandmother!  She doesn’t act that way around her other grandmother.  Noooo!  THAT woman doesn’t get the tears and the crying… not like I do.
JONNA:  But to be fair, mom, it’s not like you see her all the time.  We live in New Jersey, while Gerry and Samantha live in Virginia.
ANNE:  Don’t even get me started on that.  You don’t think I know that that woman hates me?  Married my son and convinced him to move three states away or whatever it is, just to get away from me??
GERRY:  Mom…
ANNE:  No.  No.  Don’t “mom” me.  I welcomed her into my home, let the two of you live there so you could save money after college, and THIS is how she repays me.  By being embarrassed by me?  Hell, you guys come up here to visit and I STILL barely get to see you.  All you want to do is spend all your time at THEIR house, with THEM!
GERRY:  Mom, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this, but Sam does not hate you, she is not embarrassed by you.  We stay at her parents’ house because they have more room, and you know that Sam’s dad has been sick so she likes to be close to him for as long as she can whenever she can.  It has nothing to do with you.
ANNE:  Bullshit, Gerry.  That’s a bunch of bullshit and you know it.
GERRY:  Mom, please lower your voice – Sam will hear you.
ANNE:  Good!  Let her hear me.  Maybe she will be shamed in to teaching that child of hers how to behave in front of family
ESTHER: Enough of this!  (takes a giant swig of her margarita)  Gerry – your daughter is an asshole. 
MACY:  Gamma!
ESTHER:  Samantha is home with her all day, and the kid doesn’t even speak yet.  You are raising an asshole, dearie, and an IDIOT asshole at that.  And the world has enough idiot assholes in it already.
GERRY:  Gamma, she’s only…
ESTHER:  Two – I know.  We ALL know.  That is the same excuse you use for every little thing she does.  Oh, she cries all the time – well, she’s only two.  Oh, the only thing she likes is baby French fries – well, she’s only two.  You are not a dumb man, Gerry.  Now, you listen to your Gamma and get off your ass and tell that wife of yours to get off of HER ass and teach that great-grandbaby of mine to speak! 
JONNA:  Gamma… oh my gosh…
ESTHER:  And you, Annie, stop getting your knickers in a twist.  Have a drink – loosen up a little.  (She takes another big gulp from her margarita glass, already close to half empty from when Gerry refilled it)
ANNE:  I’m plenty loose, mother. 
ESTHER:  You’re fighting with a toddler, dearie, and if you ask me your whole argument is a bunch of bullshit!  Samantha is a lovely girl, and she is always inviting you to come visit and see Sophie.  If you can’t get over yourself enough to go down there and bond with your granddaughter, then that makes you an idiot asshole too!
ANNE:  Mother!
ESTHER:  Macy, go get your momma a big glass of pina colada.  Clearly the lack of rum flavored goodness is the cause of all this unpleasantness.
JONNA:  Gamma…
ESTHER:  I’m an old woman, Jonna.  And one of the benefits of age is that I can say and do pretty much anything I want.  Living for three quarters of a century gives a person that right.  Now be a love and fill up your Gamma’s margarita glass!
JONNA:  (laughing)  Yes Gamma!
ESTHER:  Now… who wants to see the booty-popping dance moves I’ve been practicing?

Cheetos 2 - Cheeto Revenge

Scene:  Interior, Living Room.  Modestly furnished and decorated
Time:  Friday, early evening

Jill, a slender young woman in her early-mid twenties, is stretched out on the floor.  She is wearing sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt.  She is laying on her side, half-heartedly lifting one leg in the air while watching Biggest Loser and eating from a bowl of Cheetos.
Ethan, a young male in his mid twenties, enters.  He is comfortably dressed in hang-around sweatpants and t-shirt.
Jackie, an athletic young woman in her early-mid twenties, enters.  She is dressed in a bathing suit.

ETHAN:  (entering the living room)  Whats going on J2?
JILL:  Nothing.  Just getting my workout on (eats a Cheeto)
ETHAN:  Really?
JILL:  Yeah, well, Ms. Fitness Jackie made me feel guilty for sitting on the couch and eating Cheetos, so I decided to take her advice and workout.  Look!  I'm sweating an everything!!
ETHAN:  I'm not sure that's sweat.  It looks more like Mountain Dew, although I'm not sure why it would be on your head...
JILL:  Maybe I'm just one of those people who sweats Mountain Dew!
ETHAN:  (laughs). Okay then.  So, how does this workout of yours work exactly,  what with the Cheetos and all?
JILL:  Oh my gosh, what is with all the Cheeto haters in this house?  (sits up and eats another Cheeto)  I mean, why are you all hating on my crunchy orange bowl of happiness?
ETHAN:  (laughing)  I am not hating on your crunchy orange bowl of happiness.  I am just questioning what affect this... workout, as you call it... is going to have on your body if you are doing more Cheeto eating than working out.
JILL:  Good question!  And I have actually spent a lot of time thinking about this..
ETHAN:  (sits down on the floor next to Jill, and eats a Cheeto) Oh, I can't WAIT to hear this one...
JILL:  You see, the way I figure it is this:  for every three minutes I workout, I burn off the calories in one Cheeto.  And since I basically workout all day...
ETHAN:  You work at Old Navy...
JILL:  Yes, walking around, folding clothes, putting stuff on racks - good cardio workout stuff.  So, I come home, pop on a workout video and I just bank some extra quality Cheeto-eating time!
ETHAN:  Interesting theory.  Doesn't actually work that way, but great theory...
JILL:  Ethan, my friend, what would you rather do right now?  Sit there, all high and mighty in your theories of what is and is not (making quotation fingers) "working out", or would you rather stretch out on the floor here next to me, lift that leg of yours in the air, and enjoy a nice Cheeto snack as a reward??  Hmmm...

(several minutes later...)
(Ethan and Jill are both now stretched out on the floor, head to head; they are lazily lifting one leg in the air while eating Cheetos and watching the same workout video.  Jackie enters, drying her hair with her towel)


JACKIE:  (entering the living room, drying her hair.  She begins speaking, unable to see what is happening in front of her)  You should have come in the pool with me, Jill.  The water was un... (finally seeing what is happening in front of her)  believable.  Are you two KIDDING me right now
JILL:  What?
ETHAN:  Hey Jay!
JACKIE:  What the hell are you two up to now?
JILL:  We're working out!
ETHAN:  Wanna join...
JACKIE:  Shut up.  I hate you both  (storming off, muttering out loud)  Don't even know why I bother... not like they care... not like ANYBODY cares.... all I wanna do is have a healthy house, make sure everyone lives a long life... does anybody care?... no, they don't care...
ETHAN:  (staring after Jackie)  What's up with her?
JILL:   I don't know.  She's probably just hungry.  It's hard living a Cheetos deprived life.  No one should do that.
ETHAN:  Amen to that!
(Ethan and Jackie each grab a Cheetos and mime a "Cheers" gesture before resuming their lazy workout)

Freedom to Cheeto

Scene:  Interior, Living Room.  Modestly furnished and decorated
Time:  Friday, late afternoon

Jill, a slender young woman in her early-mid twenties, is sitting on the couch.  She is wearing sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, watching tv.
Jackie, an athletic young woman in her early-mid twenties, enters.  She is dressed in fitness clothing that nicely shows off her body.

JACKIE:  (entering the living room)  Whatcha doing?
JILL:  Sitting on the couch, eating Cheetos.
JACKIE:  I just did two hours on the elliptical at the gym.  Now I'm gonna go and jump in the pool for a swim.
(Jill, still eating her Cheetos, looks at her)
JACKIE:  I'm feeling good!  Keeping it tight this summer!
JILL:  Good for you!  I'm still eating my Cheetos and sitting on the couch.
JACKIE:  Wait... How are you eating Cheetos and watching Biggest Loser?  Doesn't that make you feel bad about yourself?  Don't you feel guilty for eating crap while watching other people work out?
JILL:  Nope!  Only people I feel sorry for are those poor saps who wish they were eating Cheetos on the couch with me instead of working out like crazy people.  (Talking to the scene on the tv)  Yeah, fatty... You know you want my Cheetos!
JACKIE:  (shaking her head)  There is something seriously wrong with you.
JILL:  I think I'm perfectly normal and fabulous, and you are a judgey mc-judgerson!
JACKIE:  Come do some laps in the pool with me.
JILL:  No thanks.
JACKIE:  Why?
JILL:  Because you won't let me bring my Cheetos.
JACKIE:  You don't need the Cheetos!
JILL:  EVERYONE needs Cheetos!
JACKIE:  Don't you want to look good when you go to the beach.
JILL:  I do look good when I go to the beach.
JACKIE:  Yeah, but you could look better though...
JILL:  (Standing up, indignant)  Fact!  I look as good as you do in a bikini.  Fact!  Guys prefer a Cheetos loving fungirl over an exercise crazed, food fearing skinny chick.
JACKIE:  He we go...
JILL:  And Fact!  I could outlap you in the pool any day of the week!
JACKIE:  Good.  Come prove it then.
JILL:  Decline!
JACKIE:  Why?
JILL:  Because I'm not done eating my Cheetos.
JACKIE:  C'mon...
JILL:  Do we not live in a free world?
JACKIE:  (exasperated)  Oh brother....
JILL:  Do I not have the God given right to eat Cheetos, free of harassment and judgement?
JACKIE:  I don't think that's a God given right...
JILL:  Am I not an American, born free to wiggle my tasty orange fingers to whomever I want, whenever I want, however I want??
JACKIE:  (throws her hands up in the air)  I am done with you and this conversation.  I'm going to put my bathing suit on and jump in the pool
JILL:  (sitting back down)  Quitter.  I knew I could defeat you!
JACKIE: (walking away)  Whatever!  You didn't defeat me
JILL:    Yes I did!
JACKIE:  No you didn't!
JILL:  (sitting back down, eats another Cheeto)  Outwit.  Outlast.  Outplay.
JACKIE:    Whatever!
JILL:  (to herself more than anyone else)  Oooh... that was a good idea... maybe I'll watch Survivor next.  Yeah...  Jilly girl, you are one smart cookie.  Mmmm... cookies.  Yep.  I'm having cookies during Survivor too!

Slutty Sleep Touching, Indeed!

Scene:  Diner
Time:  Mid-Afternoon
Janet and Brielle, two girls in their Freshman/Sophomore year of college, are sitting down, eating lunch.

JANET:  So, I need to tell you something
BRIELLE:  Oh no.  That doesn't sound good.  Is it bad?
JANET:  Depends on how you define bad...
BRIE:  By asking how I define bad, tells me that it’s very, very super bad!
JANET:  Alrighty, then – it’s bad.
BRIELLE:  I knew it.  Okay.  Give me a minute.  I need to prepare myself.
JANET:  O-kay... let me know when you are ready.
BRIELLE:  (breathing in and out deeply)  Woo-sa....  Woo-sa.... Woo-
JANET:  (looking at Brie in bemused frustration)  You done yet?
BRIELLE:  (breathing out one last time)  sa....  Now I'm done.   So... what’s the big something you have to tell me?
JANET:  Okay... so, after you left my room last night, I decided to go to the Rec Room and get a snack from the vending machine
BRIELLE:  Fritos?
JANET:  You know it!  Anyway, so while I'm down there, I run into Jason.
BRIELLE:  Jason?  My Jason?
JANET:  Anatomy class Jason, yes.
BRIELLE:  Interesting.  Continue...
JANET:  Okay, so, there I am, dancing with my Fritos...
BRIELLE:  Safety Dance?
JANET:  You know it!
BRIELLE:  Continue...
JANET:  And Jason is like, hey, whatcha doing?  And I’m like, uh, hello?  I’m eating Fritos and doing the Safety Dance.  Duh!
BRIELLE:  Indeed!
JANET:   I know!  So he's like, well, when you're done being a spastic monkey, do you wanna watch a movie?  So I’m like, what movie?  And he said Scream.
BRIELLE:  Scream?  Cheesy...
JANET:  That's what I said!   And he said, yeah, I know but its fun cheesy.
BRIELLE:  Truth.
JANET:  Indeed!  So I said, hells yeah, lets watch us some Scream.  So, anyway, one thing leads to another and…
BRIELLE:  And?? 
JANET:  And… we slept together.
BRIELLE:  (silent for a moment, then)  You what?
JANET:  We slept together.
BRIELLE:  oh my gosh…. But he has a girlfriend…
JANET:  I know…
BRIELLE:  (silent for another moment, then)  Did you touch?
JANET:  Did we… what?
BRIELLE:  Did you touch?
JANET: (confused)  What the hell do you mean, did we touch?
BRIELLE:  Well, I think it’s okay that you slept together as long as you didn’t touch.
JANET:  (more confused)  What the hell are you TALKING about?
BRIELLE:  I don’t think it would be cheating if you didn’t touch.  I think that would be okay.
JANET:  (trying not to laugh)  Brie… we had sex.
BRIELLE:  Oh…
JANET:  You know, slept together like had-sex slept together…
BRIELLE:  Oh…
JANET:  Yeah… 
BRIELLE:  So you definitely touched then.  That is totally cheating.
JANET:  (laughing) You dumb virgin!  How is it that the first question you ask when someone tells you they slept with a guy is “did you touch”.  Of course we touched!  We touched alllll over!
BRIELLE:  (laughing) I’m sorry!  You know how innocent I am
JANET:  Yes, yet I still underestimate it at times! 
(Both girls are laughing harder now)
JANET:  I thought it couldn’t get any worse after the “lessons” I gave you!  Thinking that thing was a joystick…
BRIELLE:  I TOLD you I didn’t know anything!
JANET:  It’s probably a good thing you don’t have a boyfriend yet.  You would probably send that poor guy to the hospital!
BRIELLE:  Alright, alright… I’m a stupid virgin and you’re a slutty sleep toucher.  Agreed?
JANET:  Agreed!
BRIELLE:  Good.  Now can I get some cake?
JANET:  Indeed!
BRIELLE:  Indeed!

Once Upon a Hungry Fly

Conversation via text…

BOBBY:  Are you watching Once Upon A Time?
KRISTIN:  Of course! Are you kidding?
BOBBY:  I'm trying to think of what fairytale characters we haven't met yet.  Little mermaid, Aladdin
KRISTIN:  Jasmine, Peter Pan, RobinHood...
BOBBY:  Yeah!  And we need some talking animals! I’m Like the Lion King or Bambi!
KRISTIN:  Yes yes yes!
BOBBY:  Oh my gosh, I'm going to die!
KRISTIN:  Lol.  Okay, I'll bite. Why?
BOBBY:  There is a MONSTER Asian mosquito in here.  It's, like, the size of my hand!
KRISTIN:  An Asian mosquito? Why does that sound racist?
BOBBY:  Lol.
BOBBY:  It's true!  I just saw him eating an egg roll!
KRISTIN:  Well, you would think after coming all the way to New York from Asia he would at least try some pizza
KRISTIN:  Lol
BOBBY:  I can't find a pizza place
KRISTIN:  What? How is that possible?
BOBBY:  Well, I saw one but it don't look like a pizza place.
BOBBY:  I also can't find Tacos.  Or American Chinese food.  Well, I got a tip that I need to head to Northern Boulevard for American Chinese.
KRISTIN:  No pizza or tacos?  Or Chinese food?  Why on Earth would you move there?
BOBBY:  I found a Kennedy fried chicken... The wings were good and the cheese steak sandwich was good.
BOBBY:  I even yelped taco.  Can't find anything.
KRISTIN:  Well that's probably why the Asian mosquito came into your apartment... He's probably hungry!
BOBBY:  Lol!  It was huge!
KRISTIN:  Maybe not too hungry then.  Lmao!
BOBBY:  Lol!
KRISTIN:  Ok. I just thought of more.  Rapunzel. Old woman who lived in a shoe.  Emperors new clothes. The elves who made the shoes for the cobbler. Narnia. Snow queen. Tinkerbell.  Sorcerers apprentice.
KRISTIN:  And Mickey Mouse... Yep, definitely Mickey Mouse!
BOBBY:  Lol!  I love you!

Betrayal in a pennycan!

Conversation Via Text:
 
CATHERINE:  What? They got engaged?  Did you know? Did you know and not TELL ME???
ALEX:  Yes!  Lol!
CATHERINE:  Of course you knew.  And you didn't tell me?  Terrible!! Lol.
ALEX:  Haha!
CATHERINE:  First I find out my show is going on an epic hiatus... then I find out that D. got engaged... and now I find out that you knew this whole time and didn't tell me?
CATHERINE:  I feel so betrayed... I need a cookie now... think things over...
ALEX:  Epic hiatus?  Oh no...
ALEX:  So I guess that means I shouldn't tell you that Marcia got engaged too then?  Lol...
CATHERINE:  Unbelievable! I don't even know who you are anymore!
ALEX:  I actually just lol'd out loud.  And snorted!  Lol!
CATHERINE:  Is this what I get for living in the boondocks while you guys all live in the city? I mean, it's not like I live in another state!  It's a 45 minute train ride only!
ALEX:  Lol!  Yeah, but we hate 45 minute train rides! Lol!
CATHERINE:  Yeah, well... I just bought a brand new coffee table.
CATHERINE:  Kind of a big deal... And I didn't tell you about it.  How's THAT feel?  REVENGE!!
ALEX:  You suck!
CATHERINE:  Lol!
CATHERINE:  You know that show Cougar Town?
ALEX:  Yeah...
CATHERINE:  Living in Long Island while you guys live in NYC makes me feel like window guy!
ALEX:  Hahahahahaha!
CATHERINE:  It's not funny!  I am not a window guy!  I am an Ellie!
ALEX:  Ok then...
ALEX:  Who am I then?
CATHERINE:  Well, clearly you are Jules!
CATHERINE:  I think D. is Bobby and Cara is blondie girl!
ALEX:  Lol!  Now I wanna play pennycan!
CATHERINE:  Yes yes!  Pennycan!
CATHERINE:  I mean, c'mon!
ALEX:  C'mon!