Freedom to Cheeto

Scene:  Interior, Living Room.  Modestly furnished and decorated
Time:  Friday, late afternoon

Jill, a slender young woman in her early-mid twenties, is sitting on the couch.  She is wearing sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, watching tv.
Jackie, an athletic young woman in her early-mid twenties, enters.  She is dressed in fitness clothing that nicely shows off her body.

JACKIE:  (entering the living room)  Whatcha doing?
JILL:  Sitting on the couch, eating Cheetos.
JACKIE:  I just did two hours on the elliptical at the gym.  Now I'm gonna go and jump in the pool for a swim.
(Jill, still eating her Cheetos, looks at her)
JACKIE:  I'm feeling good!  Keeping it tight this summer!
JILL:  Good for you!  I'm still eating my Cheetos and sitting on the couch.
JACKIE:  Wait... How are you eating Cheetos and watching Biggest Loser?  Doesn't that make you feel bad about yourself?  Don't you feel guilty for eating crap while watching other people work out?
JILL:  Nope!  Only people I feel sorry for are those poor saps who wish they were eating Cheetos on the couch with me instead of working out like crazy people.  (Talking to the scene on the tv)  Yeah, fatty... You know you want my Cheetos!
JACKIE:  (shaking her head)  There is something seriously wrong with you.
JILL:  I think I'm perfectly normal and fabulous, and you are a judgey mc-judgerson!
JACKIE:  Come do some laps in the pool with me.
JILL:  No thanks.
JACKIE:  Why?
JILL:  Because you won't let me bring my Cheetos.
JACKIE:  You don't need the Cheetos!
JILL:  EVERYONE needs Cheetos!
JACKIE:  Don't you want to look good when you go to the beach.
JILL:  I do look good when I go to the beach.
JACKIE:  Yeah, but you could look better though...
JILL:  (Standing up, indignant)  Fact!  I look as good as you do in a bikini.  Fact!  Guys prefer a Cheetos loving fungirl over an exercise crazed, food fearing skinny chick.
JACKIE:  He we go...
JILL:  And Fact!  I could outlap you in the pool any day of the week!
JACKIE:  Good.  Come prove it then.
JILL:  Decline!
JACKIE:  Why?
JILL:  Because I'm not done eating my Cheetos.
JACKIE:  C'mon...
JILL:  Do we not live in a free world?
JACKIE:  (exasperated)  Oh brother....
JILL:  Do I not have the God given right to eat Cheetos, free of harassment and judgement?
JACKIE:  I don't think that's a God given right...
JILL:  Am I not an American, born free to wiggle my tasty orange fingers to whomever I want, whenever I want, however I want??
JACKIE:  (throws her hands up in the air)  I am done with you and this conversation.  I'm going to put my bathing suit on and jump in the pool
JILL:  (sitting back down)  Quitter.  I knew I could defeat you!
JACKIE: (walking away)  Whatever!  You didn't defeat me
JILL:    Yes I did!
JACKIE:  No you didn't!
JILL:  (sitting back down, eats another Cheeto)  Outwit.  Outlast.  Outplay.
JACKIE:    Whatever!
JILL:  (to herself more than anyone else)  Oooh... that was a good idea... maybe I'll watch Survivor next.  Yeah...  Jilly girl, you are one smart cookie.  Mmmm... cookies.  Yep.  I'm having cookies during Survivor too!

Slutty Sleep Touching, Indeed!

Scene:  Diner
Time:  Mid-Afternoon
Janet and Brielle, two girls in their Freshman/Sophomore year of college, are sitting down, eating lunch.

JANET:  So, I need to tell you something
BRIELLE:  Oh no.  That doesn't sound good.  Is it bad?
JANET:  Depends on how you define bad...
BRIE:  By asking how I define bad, tells me that it’s very, very super bad!
JANET:  Alrighty, then – it’s bad.
BRIELLE:  I knew it.  Okay.  Give me a minute.  I need to prepare myself.
JANET:  O-kay... let me know when you are ready.
BRIELLE:  (breathing in and out deeply)  Woo-sa....  Woo-sa.... Woo-
JANET:  (looking at Brie in bemused frustration)  You done yet?
BRIELLE:  (breathing out one last time)  sa....  Now I'm done.   So... what’s the big something you have to tell me?
JANET:  Okay... so, after you left my room last night, I decided to go to the Rec Room and get a snack from the vending machine
BRIELLE:  Fritos?
JANET:  You know it!  Anyway, so while I'm down there, I run into Jason.
BRIELLE:  Jason?  My Jason?
JANET:  Anatomy class Jason, yes.
BRIELLE:  Interesting.  Continue...
JANET:  Okay, so, there I am, dancing with my Fritos...
BRIELLE:  Safety Dance?
JANET:  You know it!
BRIELLE:  Continue...
JANET:  And Jason is like, hey, whatcha doing?  And I’m like, uh, hello?  I’m eating Fritos and doing the Safety Dance.  Duh!
BRIELLE:  Indeed!
JANET:   I know!  So he's like, well, when you're done being a spastic monkey, do you wanna watch a movie?  So I’m like, what movie?  And he said Scream.
BRIELLE:  Scream?  Cheesy...
JANET:  That's what I said!   And he said, yeah, I know but its fun cheesy.
BRIELLE:  Truth.
JANET:  Indeed!  So I said, hells yeah, lets watch us some Scream.  So, anyway, one thing leads to another and…
BRIELLE:  And?? 
JANET:  And… we slept together.
BRIELLE:  (silent for a moment, then)  You what?
JANET:  We slept together.
BRIELLE:  oh my gosh…. But he has a girlfriend…
JANET:  I know…
BRIELLE:  (silent for another moment, then)  Did you touch?
JANET:  Did we… what?
BRIELLE:  Did you touch?
JANET: (confused)  What the hell do you mean, did we touch?
BRIELLE:  Well, I think it’s okay that you slept together as long as you didn’t touch.
JANET:  (more confused)  What the hell are you TALKING about?
BRIELLE:  I don’t think it would be cheating if you didn’t touch.  I think that would be okay.
JANET:  (trying not to laugh)  Brie… we had sex.
BRIELLE:  Oh…
JANET:  You know, slept together like had-sex slept together…
BRIELLE:  Oh…
JANET:  Yeah… 
BRIELLE:  So you definitely touched then.  That is totally cheating.
JANET:  (laughing) You dumb virgin!  How is it that the first question you ask when someone tells you they slept with a guy is “did you touch”.  Of course we touched!  We touched alllll over!
BRIELLE:  (laughing) I’m sorry!  You know how innocent I am
JANET:  Yes, yet I still underestimate it at times! 
(Both girls are laughing harder now)
JANET:  I thought it couldn’t get any worse after the “lessons” I gave you!  Thinking that thing was a joystick…
BRIELLE:  I TOLD you I didn’t know anything!
JANET:  It’s probably a good thing you don’t have a boyfriend yet.  You would probably send that poor guy to the hospital!
BRIELLE:  Alright, alright… I’m a stupid virgin and you’re a slutty sleep toucher.  Agreed?
JANET:  Agreed!
BRIELLE:  Good.  Now can I get some cake?
JANET:  Indeed!
BRIELLE:  Indeed!

Once Upon a Hungry Fly

Conversation via text…

BOBBY:  Are you watching Once Upon A Time?
KRISTIN:  Of course! Are you kidding?
BOBBY:  I'm trying to think of what fairytale characters we haven't met yet.  Little mermaid, Aladdin
KRISTIN:  Jasmine, Peter Pan, RobinHood...
BOBBY:  Yeah!  And we need some talking animals! I’m Like the Lion King or Bambi!
KRISTIN:  Yes yes yes!
BOBBY:  Oh my gosh, I'm going to die!
KRISTIN:  Lol.  Okay, I'll bite. Why?
BOBBY:  There is a MONSTER Asian mosquito in here.  It's, like, the size of my hand!
KRISTIN:  An Asian mosquito? Why does that sound racist?
BOBBY:  Lol.
BOBBY:  It's true!  I just saw him eating an egg roll!
KRISTIN:  Well, you would think after coming all the way to New York from Asia he would at least try some pizza
KRISTIN:  Lol
BOBBY:  I can't find a pizza place
KRISTIN:  What? How is that possible?
BOBBY:  Well, I saw one but it don't look like a pizza place.
BOBBY:  I also can't find Tacos.  Or American Chinese food.  Well, I got a tip that I need to head to Northern Boulevard for American Chinese.
KRISTIN:  No pizza or tacos?  Or Chinese food?  Why on Earth would you move there?
BOBBY:  I found a Kennedy fried chicken... The wings were good and the cheese steak sandwich was good.
BOBBY:  I even yelped taco.  Can't find anything.
KRISTIN:  Well that's probably why the Asian mosquito came into your apartment... He's probably hungry!
BOBBY:  Lol!  It was huge!
KRISTIN:  Maybe not too hungry then.  Lmao!
BOBBY:  Lol!
KRISTIN:  Ok. I just thought of more.  Rapunzel. Old woman who lived in a shoe.  Emperors new clothes. The elves who made the shoes for the cobbler. Narnia. Snow queen. Tinkerbell.  Sorcerers apprentice.
KRISTIN:  And Mickey Mouse... Yep, definitely Mickey Mouse!
BOBBY:  Lol!  I love you!

Betrayal in a pennycan!

Conversation Via Text:
 
CATHERINE:  What? They got engaged?  Did you know? Did you know and not TELL ME???
ALEX:  Yes!  Lol!
CATHERINE:  Of course you knew.  And you didn't tell me?  Terrible!! Lol.
ALEX:  Haha!
CATHERINE:  First I find out my show is going on an epic hiatus... then I find out that D. got engaged... and now I find out that you knew this whole time and didn't tell me?
CATHERINE:  I feel so betrayed... I need a cookie now... think things over...
ALEX:  Epic hiatus?  Oh no...
ALEX:  So I guess that means I shouldn't tell you that Marcia got engaged too then?  Lol...
CATHERINE:  Unbelievable! I don't even know who you are anymore!
ALEX:  I actually just lol'd out loud.  And snorted!  Lol!
CATHERINE:  Is this what I get for living in the boondocks while you guys all live in the city? I mean, it's not like I live in another state!  It's a 45 minute train ride only!
ALEX:  Lol!  Yeah, but we hate 45 minute train rides! Lol!
CATHERINE:  Yeah, well... I just bought a brand new coffee table.
CATHERINE:  Kind of a big deal... And I didn't tell you about it.  How's THAT feel?  REVENGE!!
ALEX:  You suck!
CATHERINE:  Lol!
CATHERINE:  You know that show Cougar Town?
ALEX:  Yeah...
CATHERINE:  Living in Long Island while you guys live in NYC makes me feel like window guy!
ALEX:  Hahahahahaha!
CATHERINE:  It's not funny!  I am not a window guy!  I am an Ellie!
ALEX:  Ok then...
ALEX:  Who am I then?
CATHERINE:  Well, clearly you are Jules!
CATHERINE:  I think D. is Bobby and Cara is blondie girl!
ALEX:  Lol!  Now I wanna play pennycan!
CATHERINE:  Yes yes!  Pennycan!
CATHERINE:  I mean, c'mon!
ALEX:  C'mon!

Floor up... Or down?

Conversation via text:
 
DUSTIN:  Help me!
LARA:  What's wrong?
DUSTIN:  I'm drunk, and I don't know if I'm facing up or down!
LARA:  Lol!
DUSTIN:  I think it's up, but how can you be sure?
LARA:  Sleep it off buddy! 
DUSTIN:  Ok. Night night!

(Next day)
LARA:  How you feeling buddy? Epic texts last night!
DUSTIN:  Yeah, sorry about that.  B.t.dubs... It was up.  I was facing up.
LARA:  Good to know.

Don't harm the mushrooms!

Conversation via text:
 
MARLEY: Question for you... And this is important
BOBBY:  Go ahead...
MARLEY:  I'm at at work event, and there's a guy here that looks like Luigi from Super Mario Brothers... Is it wrong to go up to him and start singing the theme music to the game?
BOBBY:  Um, yes...
MARLEY:  So the fact that I just threw the mushrooms from my salad on the floor so he could jump on them would also be wrong!
BOBBY:  Um,... how much have you had to drink?
MARLEY:  Only one!  So, that's a no to all then?
BOBBY:  Yes, that's a no. Back away from the Luigi!  Bring no more harm to the mushrooms!
MARLEY:  Fine.  Seems like a missed opportunity though.
BOBBY:  All this on one drink, huh?
MARLEY:  Well... One drink at the moment...
BOBBY:  Uh-huh... And how many total so far?
MARLEY:  Not sure, but the waiter has had to clear our table like twice, so... Not too many I think.
BOBBY:  Okay...
MARLEY:  But the bartender has taken to calling me "happy cheeks" when I go get my drinks.  Oh, and I just spent ten minutes thinking I was locked in the bathroom because I couldn't push the door open.
BOBBY:  Sweet Jesus...
MARLEY:  But I'm okay now.  Door pulled open, not pushed open.  Who knew? I mean, out some instructions on the door, right?
BOBBY:  Ok, I'm just gonna say this once... you are so not living with me when you get yourself fired.  Okay?
MARLEY:  Well just limit my options why don't you? Is that your way of saying stop drinking?
BOBBY:  Yes.... now please... the sooner the better...
MARLEY:  Dude... Just got a great idea!
BOBBY:  No you didn't...
MARLEY:  Yes, I did!  We need to do a karaoke mash-up!  Original BFF's vs. significant others!  Awesome, right?
BOBBY:  I'm not texting you anymore
MARLEY:  Ok, fine, but just know that I am already making it happen!